


Hat Trick Business

by GreenVeal



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Family Bonding, Gen, Identity Reveal, Illustrated, Plot Driven, Reveal Fic, canon atypical violence but nothing that warrants a major warning imo, prose stylization, stylistic experiment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenVeal/pseuds/GreenVeal
Summary: Candace and Vanessa decide to have an impromptu sleepover.Due to this, and a number of other factors, Perry has an incredibly frustrating weekend.
Comments: 24
Kudos: 49





	1. Innawoods

**Author's Note:**

> My god, I deleted this fic on accident because I double-posted chapter two. I’m dying here.
> 
> Anyway, summary of my original authors note: decided to try my hand at writing something inspired by Ian Fleming’s Bond novels, I thought this idea would be cute and funny. Everything is described weird and not-cartoony, it just kinda happened. Now god is smiting me for my crimes
> 
> Illustration linked here: 
> 
> https://imgur.com/a/UABw2QX

It was the perfect morning for basking. The sun was warm but not unbearably bright, a faint breeze was blowing through the suburbs, and the recently mowed lawn formed a soft bedding underfoot. Perry yawned as he tucked his limbs under his body, comfortably resting his head on his forepaws and taking in the tranquility of it all.

The peace and quiet came to an abrupt end as a mockingbird landed in the oak tree overhead. She trilled furiously as she spotted the odd creature laying prone on the grass. With a great effort- Perry opened his eyes to glare up at the indignant little songbird. 

It was only natural that she took his minuscule movement as a threat. She lunged forward and struck the platypus’s nape with a hard thump. Perry didn’t flinch, he didn’t move at all. Regardless, the mockingbird took the fact she had landed a hit on her foe as a victory. She ran along the ground in a series of bluff charges. Each time the bird rushed forward she flashed her wings with a rhythm like a flamenco dancer’s.

Perry knew she was only protecting her nest- but that didn’t make her any less of an annoyance. Despite his size and collar he was not a housecat. If he wanted eggs he would simply beg at the table, or maybe raid the fridge at night. Still nonplussed, he brought one paw over his beak and closed his eyes once again. 

After that the bird stopped her charges and attacks. Perry briefly wondered why she left, then the sound of the sliding glass door being flung open answered his question. Based off the speed at which the door had slid- fast, and with a lot of force behind it- he reasoned that Candace had been the one to open it. He was right. The girl was standing outside the doorway and gesturing into the house.

“Alright meatbrick, get inside, time for breakfa-“ She cut herself off with a shriek. 

The mockingbird had found a new target. Candace frantically swatted at the bird, she was gangly and uncoordinated and her wildly flailing hair served as more of a deterrent than the thrashing of her limbs. 

After a brief duel the mockingbird lost interest and retreated, flying over the fence and back to her nest. Perry kept his head down as he waddled into the house. He did not intend to take any blame for this. Candace slammed the door shut after him, visibly frazzled after that ordeal. 

“Mom! Mom, you saw that right? A bird just swooped down and attacked me!”

“She’s just protecting her nest, Candace. Don’t take it personally.” 

Candace seethed at her mother for a moment, but did not reply. Instead she let out a long droning groan and took a seat at the table.

As his human family began to eat their breakfast, Perry preoccupied himself with a breakfast of his own. Mealworms, bloodworms, and sliced segments of shrimp, all floating in a bowl of fresh water. Once he’d had his fill of his regular morning meal he moved to the foot of the table- quietly waiting for someone to throw a spare bacon strip or omelette scrap his way. It wasn’t long before a cut of crisp meat found its way off of Ferb’s plate and onto the ground. 

A one sided discussion was being held overhead. Phineas was eagerly discussing the finer points of mushroom agriculture, as inspired by the pan-seared slices of portebella in his omelette. “Don’t you think it’s weird how small the variety of fungus people eat? You’d figure it would be a dietary staple given how commonplace molds are. And most edible mushrooms aren’t even properly domesticated. I guess spores would make selective breeding a lot harder, but it’s certainly not impossible. Hey Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today!”

“Ew,” Candace interjected. “you’re gonna be making mold burgers?”

“That’s a great idea!”

Candace excused herself with a groan. “Yeah you have fun with that. I am going to be spending the day with Vanessa and having a great time not concerning myself with you, or Ferb, or fungus. Not my problem, no matter how bust-able it is.” As she passed by Perry’s bowl she dropped a slice of egg into the dish. It landed with a wet plop. 

As an animal without much in the way of tastebuds or olfactory sense, Perry couldn’t really discern anything of the omelette’s contents. He could tell it had been salted; its texture was soft and spongy. Once he’d finished his meal he trundled off into the living room. He took his seat on this pet bed beside the sofa and quietly waited to see who would turn on the television first.

But he didn’t get to relax; immediately after he laid down his wristwatch began to vibrate. 

No rest from the wicked, Perry supposed. He carefully checked his surroundings before he reared up onto his hindlegs. With a soft huff Perry donned his hat and pulled open the nearest hatchway to his underground lair. It opened to reveal a poorly lit dumbwaiter. He stepped in and the hatch shut itself behind him. 

Of course getting to work always had to be a little bit more inconvenient than it needed to be. It took the little elevator a few seconds to start moving and when it did finally start it lowered itself down slowly. Slowly and noisily. Occasionally the chassis would stop to rattle in place and then start up all over again. When the lift finally reached his office, the platform came to a premature stop a foot off of the ground. 

Perry was just glad the affair was over with. He hopped down and walked to his seat. The monitor was already online by the time he sat down. Now that he thought about it Perry wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen the monitor offline, perhaps it was kept running even while he was gone. That sounded just absurd enough to be true. Regardless, the ever-present man on the screen was his employer, and Perry didn’t actually care whether or not Major Monogram was livestreaming his life to an empty office.

“Sorry a’bout that entrance. I guess you get what you pay for when you buy a steam powered elevator, but on the bright side, it was cheap.”

Ultimately Perry knew the inconvenient entrance would be replaced within the week. He only responded by maintaining eye contact with the man onscreen. Major Monagram never needed Perry’s encouragement to keep talking. 

“Doofenshmirtz is up to no good. At one of his ex wife’s houses. You know, the really nice one out in the woods, sort of a forest retreat really.”

He remembered the building. A veritable mansion built a few miles north of Danville. His primary memory relating to the location was the time Doofenshmirtz had set up a date with some woman he’d met online. The night had ended when the man inexplicably leapt off the building’s balcony. Perry didn’t remember what exactly had happened after that, nor did he know why the doctor had decided to jump into the woods. By then his job was done and he was free to return home.

“Nice place.” Monogram continued. “Any-hoo, he’s clearly got something going on over there, and whatever it is, it involves storage pods and books about business strategy.”

A new voice piped up. “Maybe he’s trying to sell the building?”

“It’s not even his property!”

“Well, that would be evil.” The second speaker remained offscreen, but Perry recognized the voice. A rather distinct, nasal whine- Carl Karl, the unfortunately named intern. 

Seeing an opportunity, Perry dismissed himself with a salute and escaped to his garage. There he hopped into his typical hovercraft and started the engine. The vehicle wobbled itself off the ground before its thrusters stabilized. Perry leaned back in his seat as he eased up and out of the terminal.

  
-

  
Even while airborne it took a good fifteen minutes to reach Doofenshmirtz’s mansion in the woods. But once the building came into view it was hard to miss. The building’s exterior was geometric and severe. It was entirely white, save for its few windows, which were all oval-shaped and perfectly centered. He didn’t have an eye for architecture, but Perry appreciated was the flatness of the roof, perfect for landing atop. 

After he touched down he looked for a way in. In lieu of any bright ideas Perry made his way towards the balcony. Once there he took a precarious seat on the handrail and watched the living room for any sign of movement. Of course, he could simply bust in through the sliding glass door, but the thought of coating his nemesis’s ex-wife’s living room with a layer of shattered glass struck him as a bit unnecessary. 

He could hear the faint sound of singing from somewhere inside the house. If he’d never been here before, that would have told him he was in the right place. 

Eventually Heinz Doofenshmirtz walked into view. A middle aged man with wild eyes and a long, narrow face. Far lankier than the average human- he attempted to hide his height with a semi-permanent slouch. Similarly he camouflaged his receding hairline by leaving his hair unkempt and shaggy. Or perhaps that was simply part of the ‘evil scientist’ aesthetic, Perry didn’t know.

Heinz went straight to the coffee table and began to clean off all of its glass surfaces with a paper towel. Once he’d finished the job he stopped to admire his handiwork

Perry chattered in an attempt to get the man’s attention. Doofenshmirtz looked up at the sound. He smiled. At first the expression appeared genuine, then it twisted with theatrical malice.

“Ah! Perry The Platypus! I’ve been expecting you.” He said before turning around to rearrange the decor on the faux-mantlepiece. “The door’s not locked, just come in.”

Perry stared at the scalloped grip of the sliding glass door. There would be no dignified way for him to pull it open- save for pulling a magnet out of his hat. He stayed put in his haunches and waited for the scientist to figure out what he was asking. 

The door slid open with an unpleasant rattle as Doofenshmirtz gestured Perry inside. Once they were both in the living room Doofenshmirtz took a calculated step back as a large metal clasp droped down from the ceiling in a single swift movement. The machine caught Perry by the torso and hoisted him up to eye level. Perry assessed his situation and warbled.

“There, trapped.” Doofenshmirtz said as he returned to his tidying. “I would have made it more- y’know- thematically appropriate, but as you can see I’m very busy right now.”

As he was currently hanging limp in a titanium claw, Perry allowed himself to relax. He unfurled his foreflippers and readied himself for his nemesis’s monologue. 

“I’m actually getting ready for some guests- some evil guests! They’re potential investors, actually.” Heinz continued. “Basically, Dr. Wimerlekz and a few of his- do you who that is?”

Perry shook his head. 

“Oh! Well he’s a very successful man, he took over a few European ports- with his business ventures mostly, he took over his hometown- by winning an election, and then there’s all those volcano-powered submarines he manufactures. He’s had quite the career, and now he’s giving up evil- he’s retiring.” 

As he spoke Doofenshmirtz began to fiddle with some mechanism in the arm of his trap. There was a quiet ‘click’ and the clasp detached from the ceiling. Then he was holding the remaining metal valise like a football- tucked under the arm as he walked around the house. 

“So he’s looking for someone to give all his assets to, and-“ He paused for dramatic effect. “That’s where I come in.”

Perry assessed his surroundings from his mobile vantage point. The main living room had been gussied up, and from what he could see while passing the garage it had been stocked with unused -inators. Ominous lights had been installed in a few choice hallways. It wasn’t a complete overhaul, but it was a noticeable refurbishment. This was probably as much as Heinz could alter considering that the building still technically belonged to his ex-wife. 

A lot of effort had been put into this. Perry concluded that this was quite important. Or at least, this was something Doofenshmirtz perceived as important.

“-And he’s not just doing this for anyone, Dr. Wimerlekz singled me out as his favorite candidate! I just have to make a good impression and it’s all mine. First Dr. Wimerlekz’s holdings and evil creations- then the Tri-State area!”

Perry angled his head to get a better look at the man’s expression. He looked giddy. Once he’d finished his speech he began to pace around the living room, waiting for his guest’s arrival. 

“They’ll be here any minute now.”

Time passed.

“Any minute.”

The doorbell rang. It played Doofenshmirtz’s trademark jingle. 

“See- there they are!”

Heinz moved for the forehall while holding Perry’s trap in one arm. He struggled to unlock the front door with his one free hand. He dropped the key twice before finally cramming the thing into its slot on the doorknob. Once the the door had been unlocked the man hesitated. He stopped to straighten the lapels of his lab coat before he pulled the door open. He was clutching at the titanium vise in his arm as if it were a plush toy and not a mechanical contraption containing a live animal. 

The door opened to reveal a pair of familiar faces. Candace and Vanessa were standing on the stoop. They had been talking to each other before the door opened. Now they were looking ahead, at Doofenshmirtz, and at the odd bundle he was holding.

  
  


* * *


	2. Unfortunate Circumstances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illustration: 
> 
> https://imgur.com/a/WMYYHJ4
> 
> Should I drop the imgur links and just start posting these in the fic itself?

There was a brief moment where nothing happened. No one spoke. Both groups assessed each other in silence. The sky did not turn black and the world did not end. For her part, Candace just looked confused, she opened her mouth and pointed at Perry- then she shut her mouth and turned back to Vanessa. 

Perry could barely hear Doofenshmirtz’ chipper greeting over the sound of his own heartbeat. His thoughts were cluttered and edging on panicked, it made human language much harder to comprehend. 

He weighed his options, and he could only come up with two possibilities. The first one was simple, he could throw his hat off of his head and feign some sort of simplistic animal confusion. He knew it wouldn’t work, it would draw attention to himself and it would serve as a clear display of intent. It would probably make him even more suspicious than he already was. His second option- the one he went with- was to simply go unresponsive in his trap. It seemed like the safest option, even if it did leave him recognizable to Doofenshmirtz. In that moment Heinz was the least of his concerns.

“-You know, I was actually expecting someone else.” Heinz continued. “Someone aside from your little friend here- Who’s this?”

Vanessa winced at her father’s word choice. She never liked it when he used diminutives to refer to her or her friends- especially not her friends. “This is Candace. We were hanging out and-“ Vanessa trailed off as her eyes darted between Perry and Candace. She might have made the connection already. There would be no hiding the reality of the situation from her. “-and we were thinking, ‘hey maybe she could stay the night’.”

Behind his practiced neutral expression Perry felt like screaming. He lacked the vocal chords necessary to produce such a noise, but he felt like screaming regardless. Every muscle in his body was tense. He could feel his claws digging into the folded webbing of his flippers.

“Of course she can stay, you know how I love meeting all your little friends! But just so you know, tonight I’m expecting some guests myself.” He’d said that last part like a boast. Doofenshmirtz turned to specifically address Candace. “It’s nice to meet you Candace- I’m Vanessa’s father, and this is my nemesis, Perry the Platypus.”

“I knew it!” Candace yelled. She made a lunge for Perry, and he couldn’t keep the panic from reaching his countenance. The scream he’d been sitting on finally escaped his bill in the form of a sorry squeak. She’d reached for his collar, grabbing the locket under his bill. There was a small click as she opened its clasp.

“I knew it! What are you doing with my platypus?”

“Your platypus? He’s my nemesis!” Heinz yanked Perry’s trap away from the girl. Candace was still holding onto his collar as the man pulled, and Perry slid free from the clasp. Once he was out of its grasp Candace dropped him in shock. 

He landed on two feet. It hadn’t been a conscious move, but he elected to stay upright. There was nothing much he could do now. What was happening was happening. He reached into his hat, feeling the pockets for That Pamphlet. 

“Oh.” Vanessa whispered. She looked down at Perry and it was clear she had connected the dots. His open locket must have only confirmed her conclusion. Under different circumstances he might have been embarrassed about the Doofenshmirtzes seeing that goofy photo of himself as a hatchling- or maybe he would have been affronted and defensive over them seeing pictures of his boys. Now all that was far from his mind. 

“That’s your cover isn’t it? You’re Phineas and Ferb’s- and Candace’s pet?” She continued. “Oh I am so sorr-“

“Who are they?” Heinz asked.

“My brothers!” Candace yelled. “You know, actually, I bet they’re behind this. They are so behind this.”

“Wait, no. Please calm down, I can explain.” Vanessa was attempting to mediate the situation. Perry didn’t entirely understand why, but he was grateful. “I promise you this has absolutely nothing to do with your brothers. Her brothers, Phineas and Ferb, who- uh- live with Perry I guess. It’s kind of like-“

Vanessa was cut off as both her father and her friend interrogated her for explanations. She couldn’t answer their questions fast enough. They were both half-convinced this was some sort of intricate prank, at least until they realized how dead serious Vanessa was. Her face was grave as she speculated on why OWCA required their agents to take up double lives. 

Heinz began to assure his daughter that this wasn’t her fault, but he couldn’t understand why she was upset. Meanwhile Candace was watching their conversation with a furrowed brow, clearly waiting until it was appropriate to ask more questions. Her patience ran out quickly and she started back up. It was chaotic. No single person could finish a sentence without being cut off.

Perry appreciated the reprieve. Even if it was loud, he was no longer the center of attention. It gave him time to gather his thoughts, brace himself, and come to terms with what he was about to do. He pulled his papers out from his hat and then grabbed his wallet. Once he was ready he drew attention back to himself by repeatedly slapping his tail against the tile.

He reached up towards Candace to hand her the pamphlet. She didn’t reach for it until Vanessa prompted her to. “He wants you to take it.” 

She took the paper, holding it like a bomb ready to explode. It unfolded accordion-style. She read its title aloud. “So you’ve discovered your pet is a secret agent?”

While she read, (He couldn’t believe he’d actually gotten her to read it, that might’ve been a first in OWCA’s history.) Perry leapt onto the kitchen countertop. There he opened up his wallet and pulled out a scuffed photograph. It was a picture of the boys playing a board game in the living room, he was sitting on the couch beside them, looking generally oblivious. It was impossible to to tell based off the picture alone but Perry remembered it had been raining that night. 

He grabbed a dry erase marker off of the fridge and drew a crude hat on his head. Then he handed the picture off to Heinz. Before the man could react to it Candace spoke up. She wasn’t addressing either of them, she was talking to Vanessa.

“Okay, so let me get this straight, all those times you mentioned your dad’s super spy nemesis, you were talking about this platypus?”

“I mean, I didn’t know you knew him! Why would I assume that?”

Perry looked to Doofenshmirtz to gauge how the man was reacting to this debate. He tried to interject, but both girls ignored the interruption.

“You never saw any reason to mention, I don’t know, the fact that he’s some kind of hyper intelligent genetically engineered platypus with a secret identity, a stupid hat, and a ridiculous brochure?”

“It was never relevant. Anyway, you never told me you have a pet platypus.”

“Why would I tell you that? There’s nothing interesting about having a pet platypus.” Candace’s voice pitched down as she finished that sentence. “This doesn’t count, this is literally the only interesting thing Perry has ever done- Which, okay, this is a pretty big outlier-“ With that she turned to Perry. “Actually, why don’t you try to explain yourself, since you apparently can.”

He really doubted his ability to explain himself in this situation. Even if he could talk, what could he possibly say? Instead of palavering, he shrugged. It was a miserable defense, but it wasn’t as if any of this was actually his fault. He had no say regarding his lifestyle. If he had ever been given a choice, he simply would not have chosen something so stressful for himself. 

Perry gestured with his hand, something he hoped would be interpreted as ‘keep reading’. He grabbed the dry erase marker in his beak and began to root through the counter drawers. He was looking for paper. Preferably something more durable than napkins. 

He would have looked for a junk drawer, but every drawer he opened seemed to be a junk drawer. Unusual and intricate clutter took up more kitchen space than the actual silverware. Perry wondered if any of this rubbish belonged to Charlene Doofenshmirtz. 

Finally he unearthed a tablet of used yellow sticky notes. It was half-used and held together with a rubber band. He brushed past the various shopping lists and -inator concept art that had been scribbled down who knows how long ago. When he reached the first blank note he sat back and began to write.

It took him a good while to actually transcribe his words onto the paper. A platypus’s foreflipper is a complex thing. In place of a typical webbed foot a platypus has a large fold of loose skin that flips back into the paw when not in use. Above this flipper sits an ordinary mammal’s paw, four digits (five in Perry’s case, but an additional thumb was no substitute for human dexterity.) all ending with thick badger-like claws for digging. It’s an intricate structure, a perfectly adapted to the semi-aquatic lifestyle of a platypus, also completely antithetical to holding a pen. Especially a bulky dry erase marker. 

He realized Heinz was standing behind him as he wrote. Perry didn’t really know what to think of that, but he made a display of hiding the paper from view anyway. 

“Sheesh- testy much?”

He warbled in reply. He had wanted to demonstrate some bitterness considering the man had just delivered the final blow to his secret identity, but he was finding he didn’t have much aggression to throw around. Perry had already made his decision and now he’d have to lay in it

When Perry was finished, the note just read. “Please keep this secret.”

Before he handed the note off he took a moment to consider how much trouble it could get him into. He was basing this decision off of a worst case scenario- if he contacted OWCA over this it could very likely be one close call too many. The Flynn-Fletchers would be deemed too high risk and he would be relocated. 

Or maybe he was being defiant. 

He didn’t care if it was defiance, he just wanted his proposal to work. Perry lifted his message up to eye level and Candace leaned forward to read it. 

“Why should I?” She asked. “I should tell-“

“You’d better keep this a secret.” Vanessa interrupted. “You read the pamphlet- If you go and tell your mom about this you’ll get him relocated. You, your brothers, me and my dad.” She stomped for effect. “none of us will ever see him again, and I am not going to let you do that for the sake of- I don’t know. So you can prove to yourself that you can? I don’t know what your pet platypus situation at home is like, and honestly I don’t care, but to me and my dad Perry’s like a member of the family. If you mess that up, you are going to regret it, I swear.”

“But, but- fine.” Candace had shied away a bit during Vanessa’s rant. “I get it, I won’t.” She muttered something under her breath as she backed down. Even if she wasn’t entirely won over, that was a good start. 

The next time Perry found himself in a situation where words would benefit him, he knew he’d be looking back on this moment and wishing for Vanessa’s help. He looked back at Doofenshmirtz to see if he shared his feelings on the subject. The man looked as impressed as he felt. 

“Okay, Perry, we’ve got a deal.” Candace said. Then she broke eye contact. “Man I hope you know how ridiculous you look, I mean, ridiculous in an upsetting way, but still.”

“To be fair he doesn’t normally make that expression.” Vanessa offered. 

Perry hadn’t realized he’d been making any particular expression. He wasn’t able to see it, but now he could feel how wide his eyes were. The skin above his bill was scrunched up into a primitive snarl. He took a long, deep breath. He could put his hackles down now, the immanent threat was gone. 

  
“Alright, let me reiterate, just to be sure.” Heinz addressed him. “Perry the Platypus, you are her pet? And their pet too?” He pointed at Perry’s locket, reminding him to close it. “That’s what you do when you’re off duty?”

After a short deliberation Perry nodded. He supposed it was the only thing he could do. Everything had already gone fubar. 

Maybe if he was smarter he would have already contacted Monogram and requested he fire up the old Amnesiainator. But that would be what- the third incident this summer. He just couldn’t risk it.

A sudden thump sounded from outside. The sound of a car door closing.

“There they are!” Heinz said. He sounded perfectly genial. As if nothing had just happened. Perry felt a pang of envy as the man waltzed up to the door for the second time in the past half hour. It was all just water off a duck’s back. 

Nobody came to the door. 

Perry bounded off to the window and found a perch atop a leather armchair. He peered through the blinds. There were people outside. Two nondescript men in grey turtlenecks were standing in the driveway. They had old-fashioned handheld cameras and they were taking pictures of the front of Charlene’s house.

“What’s there?” Heinz asked.

In response Perry opened the blinds up further. It drew the attention of the two men outside. The man standing closest to the house decided to take a picture of them peering out the window. “Oh!” Doofenshmirtz said before leaning down to whisper. “They must be part of Wimerlekz entourage.”

Perry thought they looked like a pair of burglars casing the place out before a robbery. He figured that was on brand enough for an evil scientist’s ‘entourage’. He remained in place on the armchair as Heinz rushed out to talk to the men. 

They were having some sort of conversation out of earshot. It soon looked like both of the turtleneck-clad photographers were trying to inch away. Doofenshmirtz pulled a silvery ray gun out of one of his pockets and then shot it at the mailbox. In an instant the mailbox was gone. 

“So am I still staying the night here or?” It was Candace. The sound of her voice reminded Perry that she was still present. 

“Do you want to stay? I’m sure your parents will get it if you you call him back.” Vanessa replied. “Just, don’t say anything, okay.”

“Okay, I get it. If I could forget all about this, I would, believe me.”

Vanessa stifled a laugh. 

Perry stifled a flinch.

“But also I really want to see that indoor pool you were talking about.” Candace said.

“It’s actually more of a hot tub? It’s only like a meter and a half wide.”

Candace made an odd, high pitched sound. Then she noticed Perry watching her. 

“What are you looking at?” She sounded more frightened than angry.

He shrugged, then turned back to the window. Now the men in turtlenecks were awkwardly attempting to shuffle back to their car while maintaining conversation. It was funny, in his humble opinion. Heinz didn’t realize it, but he was protecting the house better than any trained dog ever could. 

With that he shut the blinds. He could picture the rest of that affair. He cleared his mind just in time to hear Candace’s announcement.

“No, I’ll stay. I mean, I already told Stacy and everything, it would be weird to cancel it now.”

Perry chattered a protest, but he couldn’t tell if this was for better or for worse. 

* * *


	3. Idling Under Duress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick meandering chapter without an illustration (idk if people are looking at those. Should I embed them in the fic or would that be an inconvenience?) because I wanted to put something out there. I promise more will happen in the next chapter.

The girls stood in place for a short while before they finally left the room. Candace awkwardly rekindled their conversation as Vanessa led her into the nearest hall. “I still think I have a point about those hidden cameras.” She offered. “Something was tearing them down when I wasn’t looking, I would have blamed my brothers if-“ Realization dawned on her mid-sentence. She turned back to Perry with fury written on her face. Before she could say anything more Vanessa loudly shushed her. 

Perry watched as they turned the corner and disappeared from view. He took a seat on the sofa and leaned back on the white leather. His heart with still beating too fast- he fixed that issue with a few practiced, steady breaths. Everything felt far away and inconsequential. 

The reality of his situation was finally sinking in. This had all happened to him before, once in another dimension and a hundred times over in Perry’s nightmares. When he compared the events of the past half hour to the chaos of the second dimension he realized just how well things were currently going.

Relocation was still a possibility. He wasn’t out of the woods yet, but he was feeling dangerously optimistic. A long term plan was taking shape in his head. He was a good liar, his living situation was proof of that. If Candace continued to play along they could both pretend today never happened. 

He took time to consider the worst case scenarios as well. If Candace did tell her mother what she had seen today her words would fall on deaf ears. It wouldn’t even matter, but it would be enough for Monogram. The moment the man found out about this it would begin the great upending of Perry’s life. 

The truth was- if worst came to worst- Perry knew he’d fight spur and claw to protect his comfortable little status quo. 

He rubbed his temples as he attempted to rekindle the optimism he’d had earlier. The front door opened. Perry casually waved in greeting. Heinz was carrying a number of newspapers he’d retrieved from the driveway.

“You know, Charlene sure is subscribed to a lot of newspapers. I bet you she doesn’t read half of these.” Doofenshmirtz complained as he filed newspapers into whichever junk drawer he could fit them into. 

Perry collapsed further down the sofa until he was laying flat on his back. He chattered his exhaustion out for the world to hear and physically deflated with a sigh- except it wasn’t quite, he made a squeaky sort of noise that was approximate to a sigh. 

Heinz took a seat beside him, coffee in one hand and a rolled up magazine in the other. “So, housepet huh?” He said

It was a question and a statement, and just a little tone-deaf. Perry raised his head to acknowledge the man, he attempted a glower but couldn’t quite muster it. Less ‘oh, shut up’ and a lot more ‘someone please help me’. Unbecoming as it was, it certainly conveyed the platypus’s current emotions.

“Actually, I always figured you lived alone. You just seem so independent and broody.” Ask he spoke Doofenshmirtz reached into the pocket of his coat and produced the picture Perry had handed him earlier. “Perry the Platypus, are you sure this is you?”

Perry eyed the man curiously.

“You look very- comfortable- in the picture. It’s a nice picture.” Heinz handed Perry the small photograph and Perry quickly tucked it into his wallet. Afterwards he tucked the wallet into his hat. He chattered, trying to convey something resembling gratitude.

“I can tell by the look on your face, you’re worried. Well you don’t have to worry about me. As far as I’m concerned what Monobrow doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and anyway- so what if it does?”

He laughed at Perry’s hard-set glare.

“I kid, I kid- or do I?”

Perry kept himself from smiling, but he huffed good-naturedly. He decided to take that sentiment lightly, even if there was some unspoken reality behind it. 

It was very easy to forget that Heinz Doofenshmirtz was technically a very dangerous man. Dangerous enough to be deemed a ‘threat to society’ in multiple legal documents and high profile enough to require regular check ups from a trained professional. Perry could spend all day contemplating whether or not the man was actually ‘evil’. It was such a subjective term, all culturally specific and dependent on the specific worldview of the person using it. Perhaps self appointing oneself as evil was the ultimate deciding factor, or maybe what an individual claims to be has nothing to do with what they actually are. Perchance it was impossible for a platypus to grasp the finer nuances of human identity.

In the meantime Doofenshmirtz was chewing on the nail of his index finger. Perry wordlessly told him to cut it out. Sometimes he couldn’t tell if he was supposed to be a counterterrorist or an emotional support animal. 

Heinz pulled a small watch out from his coat. It wasn’t a pocket watch, just the frayed up face of a wristwatch that had somehow ended up in his breast pocket. “What is keeping Dr. Wimerlekz? He should have-“

He was interrupted by a knock at the door. Three steady beats followed by complete silence. 

Heinz’s face lit up. He stood upright and vaulted towards the door in a single inelegant motion. Along the way he tripped himself twice, stumbling over nothing in particular, despite his clumsiness he was surprisingly good at keeping himself upright. He took a deep breath before pulling the door open, bracing himself for the third time that day.

A short, portly man was standing on the stoop. His face was round and severe, his eyes peered out from under wild grey eyebrows. When he smiled he kept his lips pursed tightly together. He fiddled with the loose silk collar of his shirt, then he spoke.

“Ah-ha-ha, you must be the great Doctor Doofenshmirtz I’ve been so eager to meet- were you aware that you were the only candidate to send me an introductory video alongside your essay- really narrowed down my options there.” His tone was low but loud. Perry tensed at the sound, it was hard to believe such a deep voice had come out of such a small man.

Doofenshmirtz laughed in response. It wasn’t a reaction to anything amusing but rather a primal primate fear response dressed up as a social cue. “Good! I didn’t- uh- know if you’d get that video. I’m honored to meet you Dr. Wimerlekz, it’s-“

“Oh cut it with the formalities lad, just call me Wimerlekz, saves you a syllable.” 


	4. Let’s Make a Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to god the original characters are just there to move the plot along.
> 
> Also, I seriously considered naming this chapter Candace’s Sisyphean Hobby. It didn’t tie into the chapter as a whole but damn if I didn’t like it.

Doctor Wimerlekz smiled as he pushed his way into the living room. He looked over his surroundings, meticulously dragging his gaze from the kitchen to the sliding glass door. His expression shifted as he laid eyes on the platypus sitting four-legged on the sofa. The moment he spotted Perry his smile widened into a grin.

“That’s the little companion you told me so much about!” There was a genuine excitement in his voice. He looked back at Doofenshmirtz and laughed, it wasn’t clear what he was laughing at. “Lovely little fellow- isn’t he?”

After making that assessment he began to approach Perry with an outstretched arm. Perry narrowed his eyes and reared up as the man drew closer. He couldn’t tell what this ‘Wimerlekz’ was about to do- but he knew what it looked like- and if that was the case he was almost impressed by the man’s nerve. 

“Wait- he’s not really, having a good day right now.” Heinz said, suddenly alarmed by the situation. “Even if he was I don’t think that would be a very good idea.” 

“Aw-nonsense. I know what I’m doing- I’m just saying hi.” Wimerlekz lowered one hand in a brazen attempt to pet the the secret agent scowling up at him. Before the wayward limb could get within range of its target Perry bounded onto the top of the sofa. He always found it undignified to consciously raise his hackles in a work environment- but it seemed like a signal this man would be able to comprehend. 

Doofenshmirtz looked about ready to pass out from secondhand embarrassment. “I’m so sorry about that.” He said, clearly talking to both parties at once. “That was- eeughhh.” 

Perry watched as Dr. Wimerlekz backed away. He gave Perry an odd, rueful look as he threw his hands up in surrender. Conveying some emotion on a scale between bemused and sorry. He rocked his head back to look at Heinz. 

“S’not your fault, no, I suppose I overestimated my own charisma.” He laughed at his own joke, which really wasn’t a joke at all. His focus drifted back to Perry and Wimerlekz addressed him directly. “My wrong. It’s nothing personal lad, I’m like that with everyone. To be fair to myself though- you should just take look at yourself. You’re a proper little specimen y’know, fur like a maltese cat, bright eyes and a head like a toothless alligator.”

Perry blinked. He was too baffled by the man’s words to take offense. If he had a thesaurus, a working voice synthesizer, and the rest of the day at his disposal he still would not have been able to formulate a response to that. 

Dr. Wimerlekz was not done talking, he turned back to Doofenshmirtz. “Aye- oh he makes me think of this backstory of mine. My father, he would breed domestic platypuses for crab hunting, freshwater fishing, and really whatever he could coerce them into doing. He got himself stung on a regular basis and he still liked them more then me.”

“Oh- I have a backstory like that too! You see, my father, he never showed my any affection, he made a point of it. He didn’t even care for my brother- which is really saying something because my brother- actually that’s a whole different backstory for another time.  
Basically my father saw both of his sons as disappointments so he got a dog. He named the dog Only Son, he took the dog to every dog show he could find, he gave the dog my bedroom- but not to sleep in, he just used it to store Only Son’s dog show trophies.” Heinz said.

“That’s horrid lad! It really says something when a man dedicates more time to the care of a bunch of smelly, easily controlled animals then he does to his own family.” He shifted back to face Perry. “No offense intended to you, of course. Unless you were genetically modified off of my father’s stock, in which case, erm- some offense intended- also, family reunion I suppose.”

Perry shrugged, he could not care less about his ancestry- if he even had anything of the sort. Surely gene editing negated any symbolic notion of a bloodline. Even his closest relatives would just be some random platypuses somewhere and that really wasn’t something an individual could fantasize about reuniting with. He’d gotten the same experience when Linda decided that he should make friends with the down-street neighbor’s pet platypus. For all he knew that could have been his sister. Linda had never followed up on a second meeting due to how boring and uneventful the first platypus play date was.

Wimerlekz was about to say something when he was interrupted by pattern of knocks. Another person had come to the door. Doofenshmirtz and Perry looked at each other. That doorway was certainly seeing a lot of traffic today.

“Come in! The door’s not locked!” Wimerlekz announced. Apparently he saw it fit to invite this unknown person into Heinz’s house. Except it wasn’t even technically Heinz’s house. Perry wondered if Charlene even knew Heinz was here. 

A tall, weedy looking man stepped into the hallway. His face was long, his lips were thin, and his eyes peered out over heavy, discolored bags. Everything he wore was either grey or black. He opened his mouth and then shut it, apparently choosing not to introduce himself. 

He had an underlying sense of self importance and intelligence almost reminiscent of a crow. But he was completely devoid of the personality or playfulness one might associate with corvids. 

“Ah Wesley!” Wimerlekz greeted.

It was incredible how much the man looked like a ‘Wesley’. Like a ‘Wesley’, and also a bit like a goth mathematician. Who exactly was manufacturing matte black pocket protectors with matching bow-ties? 

Perry filed that into his mental list of potential birthday gifts for the boys.

Wesley pushed his glasses up his nose and walked up to Dr. Wimerlekz. He made no attempt to examine the room around him.

“And this is my right hand man!” Wimerlekz introduced. “He’s just here to do my paperwork- don’t mind him.” 

“O-kay,” Doofenshmirtz said. “So would you like me to start the tour or should I-“

“Oh no, lead the way!” 

Doofenshmirtz sprung into action and gestured toward an entryway beside the fridge. “This way, it’s all in the garage.”

He was pointing to a laundry room connected to the kitchen by way of a plaster doorway. Perry hadn’t paid much mind to it earlier, but it did strike him as an oddly familiar thing to find in such a sumptuous house. As the three men disappeared into a laundry room that lead to a garage Perry wondered if it would be polite to get back into his trap. It was still laying by the kitchen counter.

That ship had sailed. He was already loose, no need to overcomplicate matters. As he disregarded the idea he heard Heinz calling out to him. “Perry the Platypus, are you coming?” 

He was, he gathered himself and followed along. Genuine worry was taking root in his gut, he didn’t trust either of these strangers. Even without having ever heard of them before he could tell they were dangerous weirdoes. He wasn’t going to leave his dangerous weirdo alone in a room with them. 

Personal attachments aside, he couldn’t let a a trio of evil scientists congregate without any supervision. His job was on the line right now, but he wasn’t going to let that keep him from doing his job.

Perry sidled in through the laundry room and made a perch for himself atop the washing machine. His goal was cold clinical observation. 

The men all spaced themselves out as Heinz introduced his nearest -inator. It was fashioned to look like a memory foam mattress and it induced back pain in any individual unfortunate enough to sleep on it. Its self-destruct button had been built into its casing. It was likely to implode the moment anyone actually laid down on it.

Dr. Wimerlekz took a special interest in Heinz’s talent for explosives. Perry flinched, those blasts had never posed a threat to anyone but their creator, but he knew damn well they had the potential to be dangerous. Doofenshmirtz only saw his disintegration bombs and thermo-detonators as cleaning supplies, it just wasn’t in the man’s nature to wire a self-destruct button into city hall. Perry mentally bargained with whatever deity might be listening, hoping that the subject would change.

He had half a mind to launch himself into the fray then and there.

“Hey, uhh, what’s going on here?” It was Vanessa, who had returned with Candace in tow. 

When Perry turned to look at her the brim of his hat fell over his eyes. 

His current posture was less than conversational- his head was slung low and his spine was arched, two envenomated spurs were angled out behind him. He unclenched and straightened his fedora before quietly warbling at Vanessa.

“Ah.” She turned back to Candace “it’s fine, he’s just getting ready to pounce on my dad. 

Candace didn’t say anything. She clearly wanted to, but ultimately restrained herself. Meanwhile Vanessa took a step closer to the garage as she tried to get a look at what her father was doing. She leaned in towards the doorway, then groaned as she was spotted.

“Vanessa! Oh, Wimerlekz, sir, meet my daughter- and Vanessa, meet Mister Warren Wimerlekz. I think he’s going to be working with me.”

Vanessa obscured her face with one hand as she sort of waved with the other. “That’s nice dad.”

Perry tilted his head to get a better view of the garage, he could see one of the two strangers doing something odd to an offlined -inator. He committed the name ‘Wesley’ to his memory as he watched the man glower at his boss. He also made note to check over that particular -inator once the garage was empty. He would have made even more quiet assessments had his thoughts not been interrupted by a raspy whisper to his right.

“You- come here!” It was Candace. She was leaning on the kitchen counter and whisper-yelling his name. “Perry! Perry come!”

Perry obeyed, he walked up to her with his paws raised in mock surrender. 

She gawked at him for a moment before saying anything. “I really hope you know how freaky you are- never mind that- I have questions for you.” 

He sighed. 

“First off, have you always been, I dunno, intelligent?”

Perry wanted to make some bland retort about having made some pretty unintelligent decisions in the past, but in the absence of a voice he simply nodded his response to the question. 

“Alright. And you’re like, a spy?”

He nodded. They’d just been over this.

“And you just go to work every day and beat up Vanessa’s dad for being evil?”

That was a massive oversimplification, but Perry nodded anyway.

“That’s insane- you know that’s crazy? Right?”

Perry shrugged.

“Okay, second to last question. Do you hold any sort of a grudge against me? You know, for saying- for calling you names and stuff.”

Perry squeaked a sigh. He would have nodded- jokingly- but he could tell Candace was a bit scared of him right now. It made sense, from her perspective this must have been like one of those old horror stories about a stranger secretly making themselves at home in your house. He shook his head no and held his paws out in front of him. 

“That’s good. Uh- thanks.”

He chattered.

“I don’t know what that means.”

It didn’t really mean anything, it was an animal noise, it conveyed a mood. He shrugged and motioned her to continue.

“Alright last question. Since you have experience with espionage and weird things, and dangerous inventions-“

Perry knew where this was going. He shook his head. 

“No- wait, it’s like a deal, I keep your secret and you help me bust Phineas and Ferb.”

He slapped his tail against the ground to punctuate his point. No. Bad idea. He honestly didn’t think Linda would even punish the boys if she found out about their afternoon antics, but he wasn’t going to participate in Candace’s Sisyphean hobby. 

He quickly tracked down his writing supplies from earlier. 

‘Can’t’ he wrote. ‘Don’t want to & can’t’

“Quitter.” Candace said as she read the sticky note. Then she added “and you’re playing favorites too.”

Perry blew air out of his nose to mimic a laugh.

Vanessa joined them by the countertop. “I just escaped one awkward conversation, please don’t tell me this is another.”

“It’s fine, I was finishing up anyway.”

“Alright, because I thought we could-“ Vanessa trailed off as Perry headed back towards the laundry room. “-and he’s back at it. That’s normal.”

He hoped nothing too questionable had happened while he was distracted

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and critique are always appreciated.


End file.
